In this blog:
The Mystery of Mrs. O’Neal
Ideas? A Reminder from your last Blog
Notes from Joy
BOOB Girl Talk for your groups
New Offers in The BOOB Girl Series
“Here’s a winner,” Alphonso Greatwood smiled. He was seated at a bright red patio table at Meadow Lakes Retirement Community, an email print-out in front of him. Wiley Vondra leaned forward in his seat next to Alphonso to hear better.
“A man went into a liquor store, pulled out a gun and demanded all the cash and a fifth of Vodka. When he got home, the police were waiting for him.” Alphonso paused. Wiley grinned for him to continue. “He asked the cashier for a date and left her his name and phone number.”
Everyone at the table laughed. They were enjoying an unusually warm day in May in Omaha, Nebraska. Mary Rose McGill was sitting next to Wiley. She had slipped one foot out of her sandal and was rubbing the tummy of Geoffrey their oversized Mastiff who was spread out under the table. Under the table was another word for Heaven for Geoffrey. Hadley Joy Morris Witfield had slipped off her sandal as well and was rubbing Geoffrey’s side with her foot. If Geoffrey had been a cat he would have been purring. Since he was a Mastiff, he just drooled and farted.
“How’s this one?” Alphonso asked and read another Stupid Criminal story. “A man in Delaware robbed a liquor store.”
“Why is robbing liquor stores so popular?” Mary Rose asked.
Wiley and Alphonso looked at each other. “They have money and liquor, honey,” Wiley answered.
Raven Five Horns, who was seated across from Hadley, winked at her. She winked back.
Alphonso read on, “This guy put $20 on the counter and said, ‘Can you give me change for this?’ And when the cashier opened the cash register, he pulled a gun and said to give him everything in there. The cashier emptied the cash register, the man took the money and left the twenty.” Alphonso paused and looked around. “There was only $15 in the cash register.”
They laughed. “Is that a crime if he left more than he got?” Hadley asked.
“Probably not,” Alphonso said.
“But drawing a gun may be,” Wiley added.
Hadley poured everyone more iced tea.
“Where are Robbie and Marge?” Mary Rose asked.
“Lurking,” Hadley answered. The girls had become interested in a new resident named Neal O’Neal. Short. Pudgy. One glass eye. Lecherous. Interesting. He had put his wife’s wooden leg on their roof so she couldn’t follow him to the bar and drag him home by the ear. He had drunk her revenge, motor oil she had poured into his prune juice bottle. And the oil-pouring Mrs. O’Neal, was nowhere to be found.
Marge Aaron, retired homicide detective, had joined Robinson Leary, retired professor, in lurking about, trailing Neal and searching for him online.
“One more,” Alphonso said, sipping his iced tea. “Two drug dealers broke into a house and hit the jackpot. They found two jars full of cocaine. They took them home, started snorting them, and noticed little labels on the bottom of the jars. They lifted them up and looked and discovered they had snorted the ashes of two pet dogs.”
“Yuk!” Mary Rose said.
Raven’s lips almost crinkled into a smile.
Marge limped onto the patio with Robbie and her computer right behind her. They both wore summer jogging suits and walking shoes.
Master detectives dressed for the job.
They plopped down in the comfortable chairs alongside their friends and blew out their breath at the same time.
“It’s getting farther and farther from the coffee shop to the patio,” Robbie said. Marge leaned over and rubbed her knee.
“What did you find out?” Mary Rose asked, leaning toward Marge and Robbie who had each poured a large glass of iced tea.
She’s not around,” Robbie said. “We found her on the internet, but not at Meadow Lakes.”
“The internet gives her old address, not Meadow Lakes,” Marge added.
“But it gives Neal’s address as here,” Robbie added.
“We lurked in the hallway and in the coffee shop,” Marge said, still rubbing her knee. “We’re getting really good at lurking.”
“What did you hear in the coffee shop?” Wiley asked.
“We heard a tale of Neal’s creepy past,” Robbie said.
“He’s my kind of guy,” Marge said in her detective voice. “When he was a kid, he tried to steal siphoned gas from an RV. He put the hose into the tank and got the wrong tank. The police found him rolled into a ball moaning.”
They looked at her. “He put the hose into the sewage tank instead of the gas tank,” Marge grinned.
“The owner of the RV didn’t press charges,” Robbie said. “He said it was the best laugh he’d had since he’d been on the road.”
They were quiet for a while, drinking their tea and enjoying being outside.
Robbie grinned as if she was holding back a secret. She looked at Raven. “We found out Mrs. O’Neal’s name.” She said.”
“Her name is Zoomer,” Robbie grinned.
“And Zoomer O’Neal is missing,” Marge said solemnly.
(to be continued)
Senile Squad Meets The BOOB Girls
Two people let me know another old person was writing books about old people for old people. One thought my ideas had been stolen. Not so! But oh. How I wish I had thought of this!
Chris LeGrow, an Omaha cop, has written two books: The Senile Squad and The Broad Squad. The story is of a retirement (really an extended care) facility for retired cops who do sneaky, rogue, undercover work to catch bad guys.
Chris, Ted and I had a long, fun coffee yesterday. He and I want to grab a couple of bar stools and talk about writing what I mentioned above – writing books aby old people about old people for old people.
We like each other, we fit well, we laugh a lot together. We will make good conversation sitting on those bar stools. Now - - We need your help.
What should we talk about?
A couple of thoughts:
1. Start out with our history – Chris is a cop almost ready to retire He’s seen a lot of death and mean stuff. I was a bereavement specialist and saw a lot of grief and mean stuff, too. How did we end up writing comedy mysteries?
2. Put the names of our characters in a basket, have five names drawn, and talk about those characters.
3. How we picked names for our characters.
4. Events in our lives went into our stories.
We need about five more ideas. That’s where you come in.
What else should be include?
What should we title this hopefully fun, entertaining, and informative conversation?
Shoot me off some ideas, BOOB Girls! If you were in the audience, what would you lie to hear?
1. One BOOB Girls Birds Poster:
Janet found one lonely poster (size of a small movie poster) by Jim Campbell of the The BOOB Girls as birds. From Left to right: Esmeralda St Benedict, Maggie Patten, You (because there is always room for one more at Table 12, Mary Rose McGill, Robinson Leary, Marge Aaron, Hadley Joy Morris-Whitfield, Patty Whack. And below is Marge’s red cane and the evil Finigan Farquer peering around the tree and “lurking.”
First one to respond saying you want it gets it for $30.
2. Any Six Books for $60.
Take your pick, first six, last six, mix and match. A great way to start a collection or fill in the missing ones.
3. An idea for a very special gift. A Mother’s Day Gift – Th BOOB Girls. Click here!
A note from Joy
Sunday was Mother’s Day. My father was a very good mother. My mother was a long-term or chronic griever after a 3-year-old daughter, Roena, had died 19 years before I was born. But Dad came through. Think of all the mothers – Men who raise children and give them mother love. Single moms. Adoptive moms. Surrogate moms (I’m lucky to have at least three surrogate daughters), I also had two aunts who mothered me very well. I had two professors who were surrogate mothers to me. I admire many foster mothers. Think of all the moms and grandmas. And walk gently with all of us who no longer have our moms or those of us whose moms no longer remember our names. Walk softly with those of us whose moms would have loved us and supported us if only they had known how. And be gentle with the moms whose children have died. For all of you to give Mother Love, I thank you.
I am once again available for speaking!
The BOOB Girls Talk will be shorter, 30-40 minutes, and will be available only within 150 miles of Omaha. And there is an entirely new, delightful talk: The Gun Found at Marks.
Complete with gun!
Talk 1: The BOOB Girls – the Burned Out Old Broads at Table 12
Talk 2: The Gun Found at Marks (true story in book XI)
For information, email email@example.com or call at 402-639-2939.
These are laugh out loud talks that include how older women are beautiful and BOOB Girl Books will be waiting for you.
Credit cards: website or 402-639-2939
Check to Joy Brown at
8141 Farnam, #322, Omaha NE 68114