In this blog:
A Scary Truth
Notes from Joy
BOOB Girl Talk for your groups
New Offers in The BOOB Girl Series
A Scary Truth
“Here’s what we’ve got so far,” Robinson Leary said, looking at her laptop. As a retired professor and ageless techie, she almost always had her computer with her. Listening closely were the group of friends gathered around table 12 at Meadow Lakes Retirement Community. Outside a gentle rain was falling and periodically nearly every one of them looked up through the floor-to-ceiling windows in the spacious dining room. Rain was precious, and this one was perfect.
“Neal O’Neal,” Robbie continued, “is short, stocky, has one glass eye and a wife with a wooden leg.”
“Probably isn’t wooden now,” Alphonso Greatwood put in. “They make ‘em out of something better.”
Wiley Vondra nodded, and Mary Rose McGill, sitting beside him looked at Robbie and said, “Go on, Robbie.”
“So—” Robbie read from her screen, “Neal didn’t like his wife dragging him home from the bar.”
“By the ear,” Mary Rose added.
“So - - he got out his ladder, climbed up and put her wooden leg on the roof then sawed off three rungs on the ladder.”
“I still don’t get why he sawed them off,” Mary Rose said, “how can a one-legged woman climb a ladder?”
“Let her finish, honey,” Marge Aaron, retired homicide detective smiled.
“She got her revenge by pouring motor oil into his prune juice bottle and he drank half. He spent the next couple of days in the bathroom,” Robbie looked at Raven Five Horns, seated across from her and winked. He winked back, the corners of his mouth almost turning up in a smile.
“He also tried to steal gasoline from an RV but ended up getting into the wrong tank and sucking up sewage…known as Black Water.”
“Yuk,” Mary Rose and Hadley Joy Morris Whitfield said together.
“He is not the sharpest knife in the drawer,” Alphonso said.
“Not the brightest light in the chandelier,” Hadley added.
“One taco short of a Mexican platter,” Wiley said.
“A few fries short of a Happy Meal,” Marge contributed.
Mary Rose bounced up and down, “Not the quickest bunny in the forest.”
There was a pause, then Geoffrey the Mastiff, woofed in his sleep from his favorite spot under the table at Mary Rose’s feet.
That, too!” Alphonso smiled.
Robbie thought for a second. “A few books short of a library.”
They all looked at Raven.
He looked back.
“I’m Apache,” he said. “We don’t joke.”
They continued to look at him.
“Okay,” He thought longer than Robbie had thought. “One feather short of a war bonnet.”
They kept on looking at him.
“Apaches had war bonnets?” Alphonso asked.
“No, but Geronimo showed up with one and gave it to his grandfather and the Comanches wanted it but didn’t get it.”
“That’s the longest sentence I think I’ve ever heard you say, Raven,” Hadley smiled, reaching over and patting his shoulder.
“Enough,” Robbie said, “we’ve also got the unbelievable information that his wife’s name is Zoomer and she’s missing.”
They were quiet. Marge Aaron took a sip of her iced tea. “We have something else,” she said, rubbing her bum knee. “While Robbie and I are good at lurking, snooping and detecting, one of the rookies I taught is a genuine computer detective.” She looked around and smiled a triumphant smile. “Neal also had another dumb criminal adventure.”
“He broke into a house in west Omaha. Gathered up some very expensive figurines, jewelry and small antiques and put them in a box he’d sat on the couch.” She grinned. “Sitting on a coffee table in front of the couch was a huge bowl of movie theater, super buttered popcorn. Seemed the family had to hurry out and they left the big bowl the kids had popped. It smelled delicious. As Neal filled up the box, he kept reaching into the bowl for mouthfuls of popcorn. It was buttery. It was salty. He got thirsty so he went to the refrigerator and took out a six pack of beer.”
They were all attentive and leaning toward Marge as she told the story.
“He sat down on the couch, found the clicker to the TV, turned on an old movie and drank the six pack, ate all the popcorn, and fell asleep. You know what happened next,” she grinned.
“The family came home,” Hadley and Robbie said together.
“Yep. Found him fast asleep on the couch. He was arrested, charged with illegal entry and stealing beer. Paid a fine. The wife used it all as an opportunity to dust all the statues and clean her jewelry. He had put some China in the box, and she stuck that in the dishwasher.”
She looked around again, grinning. His biggest crime was rearranging family treasures.”
“What else did your rookie fine?” Robbie asked.
Marge smiled. “He’s no longer a rookie. He’s close to retirement. And he found something important.” She paused for effect. “Neal O’Neal is not his real name.” Her voice sounded mysterious. “His real name is…. are you ready…Cyreel Schmeel.”
Robbie put her head in her hands. “Sweet Jesus!” she said.
(to be continued)
1. One BOOB Girls Birds Poster:
Janet found one lonely poster (size of a small movie poster) by Jim Campbell of the BOOB Girls as birds. From Left to right: Esmeralda St Benedict, Maggie Patten, You (because there is always room for one more at Table 12, Mary Rose McGill, Robinson Leary, Marge Aaron, Hadley Joy Morris-Whitfield, Patty Whack. And below is Marge’s red cane and the evil Finigan Farquer peering around the tree and “lurking.”
First one to respond saying you want it gets it for $30.
2. Any Six Books for $60.
Take your pick, first six, last six, mix and match. A great way to start a collection or fill in the missing ones.
3. An idea for a very special gift.
We will send a BOOB Girl book from you to a friend who needs a laugh. Do this now, from this blog. It will be a perfect gift.
A note from Joy
Win a book!
Saturday we had a fun combined birthday for Ted and Me along with a late Mothers Day. For the next six weeks, Ted and I will be the same age – 83 – then I turn 84 and become the older, wiser one.
Look at this picture of me with my children and three of my grandchildren. Spouses are also in the picture. Pick out the children and grandchildren and email me your choices, using lefts and right - - example, 3 from the left is your son (daughter, grandchild) …..
Email me your picks and be sure to include:
Which of the 12 books you want
Good luck! Joy.email@example.com.
I am once again available for speaking!
The BOOB Girls Talk will be shorter, 30-40 minutes, and will be available only within 150 miles of Omaha. And there is an entirely new, delightful talk: The Gun Found at Marks.
Complete with gun!
Talk 1: The BOOB Girls – the Burned Out Old Broads at Table 12
Talk 2: The Gun Found at Marks (true story in book XI)
For information, email firstname.lastname@example.org or call at 402-639-2939.
These are laugh out loud talks that include how older women are beautiful and BOOB Girl Books will be waiting for you.
Credit cards: website or 402-639-2939
Check to Joy Brown at
8141 Farnam, #322, Omaha NE 68114